About 2pm I was starving, I was frustrated and my arms were tired. I felt T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E doing it but I called Abby and asked her to come over and just hold my little girl for 10 minutes so I could make myself lunch. Instead of giving me a brief time out, Abby and Anna came over and whisked AJ away in her stroller. Mommy broke down in tears of guilt. I felt like a failure. Two weeks old and I already was asking someone else to take her for a few minutes. Two weeks and I felt like maybe I wasn't supposed to be a mom - maybe I'm supposed to just love everyone else's kids.
The hour was refreshing. I got a sandwich, put some laundry in the washer, folded & put away other laundry, and brushed my teeth without fearing that I was going to get toothpaste all over my newborn. When I walked over to bring her home I took many deep breaths of fresh air and told myself I can do this. I might not have a sleep schedule worked out yet but I have been getting 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep from 11pm - 3am for the last several nights. I must be doing something right. I might feel like a pacifier with a little person constantly glued to my torso but when she's not eating, she's a happy little girl.
I'm sure yesterday wasn't the only time I'll call out for help. I just wonder how many times I'll bawl out of guilt for doing it even though I know it's better to ask for help than not.
3 comments:
Good for you! Already this is a huge sign that you're not a good mommy but a great mommy!! You did the right thing. I'm sorry to say though, the guilt thing, it'll come and go with many new situations you'll encounter as AJ grows. Cry, let it out, that's also good. Nothing like pent up tears to further frustrate you when you just don't need it. I cry after I yell at NataLee sometimes because of guilt. AJ's happy and you're happy, that's what counts. BTW her pictures are amazing! I'll be waiting for a hard copy (hint hint lol). I love you all and I'm thinking of you always.
Yeah, well I felt terrible that I hadn't been there BEFORE you needed to ask...FRIEND guilt ;-)
Seriously I was so happy you knew to call and happy to take care of both of you. In fact, I walked around the neighborhood with Amelia just as happy as could be to have a chance to be with her! I LOVE holding her and I remember - vividly - all the feelings those early months. I was happy to pay it forward to my dearest friend. Amelia is a very lucky girl to have you as a mommy!!! Never doubt that my friend.
You will probably feel like a failure as a mother more days than you feel like a success. You will probably cry more days than you have dry eyes (like, um, every day!). You will probably question everything you are doing more often than you will feel confident in your parenting skills. Your feelings, your fears are justified and completely normal. And while it never gets easier (the hard parts of parenting shift as they grow), you begin to adjust to the unknown and feel confident in your abilities to make it through the day. You can do this! But you can't (and SHOULDN'T) do this alone. No one should. Call someone every day if you need to. Asking for help makes you a better mother, not a worse one! And while I would rush over to your house in a heartbeat if I could, you are so blessed with people who already adore that beautiful baby girl and who would gobble up any one-on-one time you allow!
ps. You are an AMAZING mother, but never confuse that with being a PERFECT mother. That doesn't exist!
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